Depressing Loneliness

It all started about 2 to 3 months ago. I was getting this periodic sense of loneliness in me. At first, I was still able to suppress this feeling and always tell myself that it would pass away after sleeping. Yup, for the few weeks, sleep does help to cast this feeling of loneliness away, however, as time went by, I realised that each time this sense of depressing loneliness came to me stronger and stronger. It was so overwhelming that I simply couldn’t suppress it anymore. I felt that I was alone and that feeling that you are alone can be so scary and so frightening. This sense of loneliness always leave behind a vacuum. Each time this loneliness knock on my door, it will leave behind a greater vacuum. This greater vacuum means that I will plunge deeper and deeper into something that I don’t even know. At some point, I even couldn’t recognise myself anymore. The things that I do, the things that I say and many more just do not make sense to me and they are all so foreign to me.

It’s always in the dark night, when I knelt beside my bed and pray to God I would come face to face to my real self and I realised the darker the night, the clearer I see myself. But then very often, I would lose sight of myself again. I don’t know what’s going on. To some extent, I couldn’t feel that I have a human body. I don’t even know if I really exist as who I am. I remember telling someone that I long to hug someone and start to cry aloud. I needed the hug because I needed the affirmation that I am still existing. That I am still alive. There was nothing in me that seems to affirm my existence as person. I felt that God has left me. I felt that He has abandoned me. I know shouldn’t feel this way, but I really needed someone to come and tell me that I am alive and well. Being in a crowd or with friends no longer able to affirm that. For a while, I even thought I was going crazy.

Since then, the only person that I can share anything with is God Himself. But I told God, I need Him to embrace me, to hug me and to kiss me. I just needed that affirmation that I exist. I felt so bad that I even question the very Presence of God. My Mind and my Heart have been in constant battle with each other. My Heart is longing for love, to fill that vacuum and for that physical touch. My Mind keeps telling me that I have to hold on to my faith…I have to hold on to God…I have to hold to who I am. They have been in constant struggle. One night, I grew so tired of the struggle that I told God, let my Heart and emotion take over. I couldn’t control it anymore. The danger of this is that I don’t know where my Heart will carry me. It may carry me to areas that are not even pleasing to God. I felt totally defeated and simply allowed my Heart to run wild. I realised this was my greatest mistake. But I really didn’t have anymore energy to fight back. I really didn’t have any more strength to stand up anymore. So I gave in to things that are not me. I gave in to things that are totally foreign to me, because my Heart would grab hold of anything that would fill that big vacuum in me, created by this depressing loneliness.

I know very well that because I have allowed my Heart to run wild, I have also hurt people around. People who are dear to me. I am very sure many of them couldn’t understand why I was behaving so differently. I was losing sight of myself. I don’t want to make this to be an excuse but I was really losing it. As I have mentioned, sometimes I don’t even recognise myself.

Today, I made the decision to finish this battle in 6 days time. I really do not know how this can be done…but I am going to believe in God one more time. I am going to believe in the Holy Spirit, the Comforter of my soul. I am going to believe that God is my Helper in this. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I don’t want to lose friendship anymore. I don’t want to time-out anymore. I want to be who I am in Christ Jesus. I really don’t know how. If I have hurt anyone, I sincerely beg you for your forgiveness. I didn’t mean it. I know what’s done is done….but still I really want you people to believe that I am struggling and battling. I really want you to know that I feel as miserable as anyone of you whom I have hurt. God help me to overcome this….God deliver me from evil….

the gatekeeper

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